To Forgive or Not to Forgive… That is the Question
Have you ever found it hard to forgive someone who hurt you? If so, you are not alone. Forgiveness can be challenging, but the rewards can be life-changing. True forgiveness offers empathy, compassion, and understanding. Sounds near impossible, right? It is not easy, but it is so worth it. Forgiveness reduces negative thoughts and emotions and replaces them with positive ones. The ability to truly forgive someone doesn't come overnight. It can take years of practice. But the good news is that anyone can learn to forgive.
What forgiveness is not…
Let's first clear up some untrue ideas about forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness but rather a sign of strength. It is important to note that forgiveness does not mean completely forgetting about the hurt that occurred. It does not condone or excuse the offense. It also does not require the offender to admit to their offense or give an apology. It is important to note that forgiveness is distinguished from condoning, reconciling, forgetting, justifying, and excusing. Reconciliation is not always necessary and is a different healing process that requires both the offender and the offended to re-establish mutual trust and safety within the relationship. It is important to note that it is possible to desire the goodness of the offender without excusing the wrongful action.
Why should I forgive?
Loren Toussaint, Ph.D., says, "Forgiveness allows you to let go of the chronic interpersonal stressors that cause us undue burden." When one releases this built-up anger, they become less anxious, have more energy, and their immune system can strengthen. Forgiveness reduces anxiety, depression, and major psychiatric disorders with fewer physical health symptoms. Studies indicate that forgiveness is associated with higher positive emotions, higher life satisfaction, more social support, and increased hope. It also leads to healthier relationships with others. Has someone ever forgiven you for something you did in the past? And can you still recall the feeling of relief when that person forgave you?
How can I forgive?
Forgiveness is a journey that will look different for everyone. There is no one-size-fits-all all. There are various forgiveness models, but we will focus on two popular models.
Bob Enright, Ph.D., created a forgiveness therapy process model called The Enright Process Model of Psychological Forgiveness. This model includes 4 phases with different reflective questions:
Uncovering phase: This phase consists of clarifying the nature of the offense and uncovering negative feelings, allowing the offended to forgive the offender for the pain and distress they caused.
Decision phase: This phase happens when the offended decides to forgive the offender. Forgiveness is a choice. The person chooses if they are willing to forgive the offender or not.
Work phase: This phase focuses on understanding the offender. It helps the offended to see the offender in a new light through empathy and compassion. To see them as "a person who is, in fact, a human being and not evil incarnate." This phase can take a long time to get through. When one thinks about a person differently, one can work on feeling positive toward them. Diminishing the resentment toward the offender is an excellent place to start, with the goal of beneficence.
Deepening phase: This phase focuses on building compassion for the offender. It happens when a person "finds increasing meaning in the suffering, feels more connected with others, and experiences decreased negative affect and, at times, renewed purpose in life." This phase allows a person to feel more free by letting go of anger and resentment.
And Everett Worthington's REACH model:
Recall the hurt one has experienced and the emotions associated with it.
Empathize with the offender and take the other's perspective in considering reasons for action.
Altruistic gesture to recall one's own shortcomings and pass on the gift of forgiveness to others, as we have all wronged someone in the past.
Commit to forgive publicly.
Hold onto the forgiveness through times of uncertainty or through the return of anger and bitterness.
Forgiving others can bring up unhealed hurts and unresolved feelings. Praying for the offender is difficult, but it can help shift the victim's perspective. Make sure you are practicing self-care throughout the forgiveness process. Forgiveness allows you to let go of the heaviness you hold onto. And remember that hurting people hurt people. A lot of the time, the offender is going through something of their own, and they mistreat others because of this. It doesn't make it right, but it can give us more empathy and understanding. Choose to forgive and see how your life changes for the better.
References
Forgiveness can improve mental and physical health